Yeah, I know what you're thinking. This isn't necessarily an unexpected day, but it is a sad one. Sandra Day O'Connor, the "swing vote" who put Bush in the White House in the first place, no longer wants to wear that big black robe of justice. At age 75, she'd rather lounge around her condo naked, smoking cigars and watching Nick At Nite. Who can blame her?
"Who's going to replace the swing vote on the Big Court?" It's the kind of question that makes us progressives sweat bullets. Alberto the Torture King? Brother Jeb? John Ashcroft? Katherine Harris? John Bolton? Prince Bandar? The guy who shows up at all those funerals with the "God Hates Fags" sign? The possibilities are endless. After all, this is Dubya we're talking about. At this point, I wouldn't totally rule out Sean Hannity or Toby Keith.
But worry not, fellow progressives. BushCo will definitely appoint a moderate. It's in the bag. Here's why.
I know BushCo is going to appoint a moderate to fill O'Connor's spot on the Supreme Court because
I just signed a petition demanding that he do so! Yes, that's right. I just added my name to a petition sent to me by Nancy Pelosi herself, "urging President Bush to nominate a moderate, consensus candidate that all Americans can support." She sure must be busy today, e-mailing petitions to people like me.
Seriously, how could he say no? After all, I've signed a whole mess of these petitions. The fact that BushCo has ignored every goddamn one of them doesn't mean he's going to ignore this one too, right?
Right? Hello?
I've also received five separate e-mails over the last three hours from five different organizations requesting various donations. Deb Callahan of the League of Conservation Voters, for example, wrote to tell me, "Please make a gift to help ensure that Justice O'Connor's replacement does not become the swing vote that undermines our environmental laws." What kind of gift should I send? Perhaps a nice fruit basket? Everybody loves a good fruit basket. Surely that would be better than cash, since giving cash never quite seems to ensure anything — except, of course, another e-mail asking for more cash.
See, everyone? There's nothing to worry about! We have splinter groups soliciting money! We have petitions to sign! We're all set! Our plan is in motion!
Heavy sigh.